psycho_kittyz

Well in spite of the side effects, the meds do appear to be working. I can still feel my heart racing, but I don't feel half as anxious. I still didn't want to get out of bed, but that's cos I was relaxed and cosy :)

Had a lovely evening at the stables with Jo and Lewi. Spent 45 minutes brushing the filthy animal then went for a ride up to the golf course. Wanted to canter, but Lewi was more interested in staring at the golfers.

We went to the pub and had some grub which was very filling then I went home and had a glass of wine with Skippy and worked on some more of my story.

Well as far as Bournemouth actually to the SF Ball. Apart from being totally spaced out over my gran's death and impending funeral, the weekend was absolutley brilliant.

It started off on Friday morning when we got on the train to find it choc full on Scotish Rugby fans on their way to Cardiff! They were on a mission to force-feed alhchohol to everyone who got on the train and kept us highly entertained all the way to Birmingham. Our hotel was run by 2 gay blokes from Manchester and one of those was from Sheffield. I have never seen so many geeks under one roof! I got to do tai chi with Erin Gray (Wilma Deering on Buck Rogers), watched Klingons line-dancing to Saturday Night and the Macerena, got my photo took a zillion times, got to meet people who weren't totally self-obsessed even though they were dressed up, and the guest stars were lovely. We went to the VIP cocktails party on Friday so we could mingle with the guest stars in a more relaxed setting - I don't do autographs, I braved the signing room to say hi to Erin and Gil (Gerard who played Buck) again cos they were lovely on Friday night but that was about all I got to say cos it's just one conveyor belt of people buying pics and getting them signed - not my cup of tea at all. Caroline Munroe who was a Bond girl in Casino Royal was absolutley lovely and she used to go to Whitby too.

We made some new friends, laughed at line-dancing klingons, watched geek busters and generally just had an amazing time.

My back is killing me today - and was yesterday. Anyone got a spare rack? I feel like I'm being slowly cut in two across my waistline. I feel really stiff all over. I'm walking like a robot! My arms ache after driving, and I have brain fog so will probably not write much. All in all feel like poo and in pain. Lack of sleep has made me feel really spaced out, I drove on autopilot all the way home.

b

Ive just got back from the funeral. It was a good turnout but a really unpleasant day in all, as I had very little sleep, my sister was bitchy towards me as usual and my mother upset me last night by taking back about the only compliment she has ever given me :( To hear her talk, Andrea, my sister is so fair and so beautiful and I'm Cinders ugly sister, even when we were growing up. My sister is on one big ego trip about her spirituality, reiki and aromatherapy stuff, constantly condescending and implying that everything I've learned is wrong! I feried mum and Andrea about all day and they would just get out of the car and walk off together, at the church, at the graveside and even at the wake. I feel like an outsider in my own family. I did not feel close to them today, I felt closer to my other relatives. When I suggested going to see my gran with them afterwards, Andrea snapped that she would only get confused if their were too many people there, however, any other time I'm regailed with tales of ..such and such came to see your gran whilst we were there..etc I am always made to feel unwelcome (and she has even used such terms) wherever she is, I'm sick of it. Yes I live in Leeds and don't see them every week but I still try to get over when I can, health permitting.

I'd put all this behind a cut if I could only remember how to do it

Been off work all week so far, I feel sad but also am in a lot of pain. My shoulder muscles feel inflamed and I have had pain in my hands and wrists, even now, I have little tingling sensations in my finger tips. Even my pillow is uncomfortable where it touches me, I'm hypersensitive to everything. I don't have much appetite and am down to eating one meal a day cos I just sleep the rest of the time.

The funeral is on Monday in Barnsley, I am going to my cousin's house first then on to the church. The last time I saw my aunt socially was at Christelle's wedding in September, and I didn't speak to her much cos I always thought there'd be a next time.

When I went to visit her in hospital she could only blink to express herself as the tumour had affected her speach and movement. She was a beautiful woman but her face was swollen from the tumour and the steroids, to such effect that she was almost unrecognisable.

Earlier today my mum rang me with the news that my auntie lorraine had died last night. She was diagnosed with a brain tumour, unopperable, at the beginning of November. at least now she is at peace.

My arms ache and my shoulders, they are the most obvious ones, but if I sit and think about it, so does my lower back, my hands, my knees and my neck. I get primary aches I guess, and then secondary ones which I have got so used to I don't notice them anymore. I was reminded earlier, of the story I read of the little mermaid when I was young, (not the disney version but the original Hans Christian Anderson - no happy endings for this mermaid) when she got her legs and was told my the old sea witch that every step she took would be painful. I couldn't imagine then how that could feel, but now I understand all right!

Going back to work was so hard yesterday, trying to open my eyes which were glued shut, shake my body out if its usual comatose state and then figure out which clothes would be warm enough for the arctic conditions I was likely to find in an old school building that had been closed for 10 days.

Had a great journey, the springs had broken on one side of the car and I rattled about in it like a pea in a tin can all the way to work, then stood freezing at the bus stop for 45 minutes, worrying about my flexi-time being used up waiting for a stupid bus, not looking forward to the 15 minute up-hill hike when I got off. Luckily the latter never happened as my boss, Linda had kindley driven down the road to pick me up from the bottom of the lane! Car got fixed, and I got home without having to worry about how on earth i was going to navigate the 99 steps down to the bus stop in the snow this morning!

It looked so pretty when I left work today but I wasn't so keen after wearing my arms out by scraping a layer of snow and ice off my car windows. My arms are really aching now so I ought to stop typing, take my meds and call it a night

if anyone still has me added as their friend then, happy new year. I fully intended to keep my journal up to date last year but, well... it was crap, basically, a lot of horrid things happened that I didn't really want to write about in this journal, mainly cos doing so would make me stop and think about everything and I'd probably crack up.

Anyway,s decided to write a book folks, has yours truly about less than perfect existance with fibro/ME so before then, thought I ought to keep a diary of symptoms, ect and I guess this is as good a place as any

To the ones who haven't given up on me, no matter how crap I am at staying in touch, for the ones who understand that visiting you means I may stay in bed till the early afternoon the next day, for those of you who understand why I may not get to visit you at all

Thank you

May 2008 be your best year ever

Apart from a gorgeous kitten

nuff said :(

Well I hope the weather is warmer in San Francisco than it is here brr! Setting off at ridiculous am and treated ourselves to first class train tickets to Manchester so we have one bit of comfort before 8 hours of hell squashed into an ecomomy airline seat with crap food and cramp in my legs.

We have to change in Philadelphia so get a little walk about at least before we catch the connecting flight to San Francisco. I'm hoping I wake up on Thursday morning (?) and think hey I'm in San Francisco rather than bugger I'm 40 today!

Went on a training course today which was really good and I was feeling quite good until I went back in work again (to meet a reiki client) only to discover that the person I e-mailed to find cover for reception had forgotten, every one wondered where I was and the one person I do not get on with was on reception (and wasted no time in letting me know what had happened) and in a bad mood.

I need cover for reception so I can do my other tasks, ie finance, orders, invoices, typing, mail shots and the post. I'm doing these jobs because no one else likes them, but no one likes covering my reception post either, even though they all know how stressful it is, I feel I'm under so much pressure to do many different things and be in 10 places at once. I could cope with that if I had the support of my colleagues

Team work - don't make me laugh!

I'm off to Wolverhampton tomorrow to see Heidi. I haven't seen her for a while and I have never been to Wolves before. We are going to a pub called the Gifford which has rock on one floor and goth on the other - sorted! Only thing that worries me is she doesn't like the heating on and I'm a naturally cold person. I hope the temperature holds out.

Two of my friends have fallen out, its put me in a really awkward situation. The worst thing is that one of them now doesn't trust the other and thinks she's been lying to us. I know she hasn't but the other person has made her mind up and I can't do anything to change her mind.

I hate this, I don't like it when people fall out and its all the fault of a third party who is being very manipulative.

I want a quiet life :(

One of my favourite holiday pics



Hazel R.I.P.



A silly pic in Florda

Here's some pics from a recent shoot I did with _pyromancer_


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Am thinking of posting some of my portfolio pics on to a modelling/alternative talent website, have been considering this for a while, but I know if I do I'll worry that no one will offer me any work, then I'll feel really crap about myself.

However if I don't do it, I'll be disappointed in myself for not trying. Also considering burlesque dancing, taking my kit off doesn't bother me, I'd be wearing pasties and not stripping totally, its the worry that I might be clumsy and fall on my backside, or have a panic attack, or get booed off.

Here comes mid-life crisis!

God my birthday is approaching fast - help I don't wanna get any older. My life is such a hectic pace at the moment, I really have to slow down, was very tired this weekend and not able to do everything I had planned to do which was a shame. I'm doing about 3 jobs in one at work and I will have to stop soon before I make myself ill, but the department has no money to replace staff who have left so we all have to share the burden. I'm making up lots of flexi but my manager says that if the powers that be think we are coping ok then they won't hire anyone else.

This weekend should be fairly quiet nothing much planned apart from going riding and trip to Morgana's - unfortunately this is the wrong side of payday!

had a fairly quiet weekend, went to Iceland for the food shopping yesterday, testing my culinary skills in the kitchen at the moment.

Been riding and ache all over, Lewis was good on the way back but decided to prat about all the way going. We passed another horse but it was a mare so he didn't try to race off after it. I wish he'd breathe in though so I can actually fasten the girth myslf rather than having to ask someone else to do it - which is embarrasing!

Came home meaning to relax and ended up peeling paint in the bathroom, which is terrably addictive, hoping to get it all done next week so I can paint it a lovely shade of purple, as the condensation has already started peeling the paint off we decided to give it a helping hand.

Can't decide whether to go out tonight cos I'm really knackered and still feeling subdued and not up to crowds of people